I was walking out the door a few hours before the start of Mirrors when my back went. It is a chronic injury that flares up once a year but the timing was hard to ignore. Little did I know that three weeks later, not the typical three days for me to recover, that my back would still be in a weakened state.
Since our work was to surface our ego's, one of mine was predominant. Meet Justin Fine. Justin was often heard throughtout the workshop to be saying, "I am just fine." In reality, I was not fine...still am not.
To acknowledge that took humbling...a process that took 8 days when I finally could not make it to the workshop even after having a day off the day before. One of the learnings was how does one move in a movement workshop with an injured back, which I was trying to do? In my days as an EMT, 20 years ago, coming up on a back injury meant immediate immobility, unless of course, there were a life threatening situation present. Well, duh, the answer was not to move!
I upon discovering that, I actually experienced one person who was tending to me trying to get me to move and walked away when I said "no" when asked, "Don't you want to move it?"
Still, I knew there was locked up energy and ready to be moved! I knew I needed to let it out and the only thing I could do in the moment was feel it, not knowing how the energy would move but trusting my body would find a way. As chaos unfolded, my frustration at not being able to dance one of my favorite rhythms began expressing itself. I also began feeling the pain of my back. I was immobile on the outside but internally my body was seizing and sending waves of energy inside me toward my mouth.
And something beautiful came shortly after I had said "no" to moving. One of my close male friends placed himself beside me. He had told me earlier that day I was avoiding him. And I realized I was, not wanting to show my pain near him or others for fear of being weak. I asked him then to come to me if he saw I was loosing it and he did.
Through the seconds of clear vision I had, I saw him there and scooted my body against his and surrendered. I listened to his calming voice and then felt other hands on my back. To that I heard my friend say, "It is OK now, Jack. The men are with you." To which I just lost it. Convulsions of energy waved through me and eventually made it out of my mouth as I screamed in pain. Interspersed were waves of deeping sorrow at my inability, frustration to physically move...for 10 days now. Other emotions and wounds surfaced. And through it all, instead of feeling weak, I felt like a fallen warrior, strong and powerful, even in my physical woundedness. And actually, I was...a fallen warrior. I felt primal as if I had just been on a hunt and wounded in the process.
This was the second learning. I had been attended by mothering hands since the beginning which I soaked up and am to this day, forever grateful. The love, care and touch I received softened the pain I was experiencing and encouraged healing. And I am realizing with warriors, whether a soldier, a hunter/provider, and/or of the heart, some warriors will fall, if not most or even all of us at some point in our lives. To be surrounded by other males, in my case, provided a container of safety that encouraged the expression of the feelings and emotions I was experiencing. And there was something to be observed and witnessed in that place as well...that brought the feeling of being related to and/or understood...I was safe.
To this day I realize I have only touched the surface of what is going on in my back. And the experience of being witnessed and mothered in my woundedness, I will always remember, acknowledging how both are important in the healing process.
Jack
