I'm navigating the abyss you told me would come. I'm in boot camp with God and all I know so far is that I need to dance slowly and quickly and sometimes I see a spark of the God in me and I listen to her because she knows everything at once. What choice do you have? You can't breathe and you can't see and you can't hear and it's over you're pretty sure it's over. The darkness is so real, so tangible. Learn or die. So, you come to yourself. Quite simply, you come to yourself. There is nothing else.
So. Long. Ago. Another person wrote that and I know her. She still speaks to me, questioning, crying, screaming. I listen.
J. said watch nature for how to die gracefully. So much depth from pain, sorrow, trauma. Now, it's time for light.
If life is what I decide then let me decide this:
To die gracefully.
"To be wounded by my own understanding of love."
To look at myself in the eyes.
"To bleed willingly and joyfully."
To find depth from joy.
To accept.
I dreamt about you months ago. You were a giant spiderweb and I was stuck in the middle of it. You were surrounding me. I had a sword. After a year of pain I stood up and looked at you, looked right at you. And in utmost joy I started cutting you down, chopping as fast and as hard as I could. There was so much freedom there, in those spaces without you. I got scared. I fell to the ground crying, remembering, the joy and the pain, the letting go letting go letting go killing me killing me killing me. Then a voice said to me "Do something different." I stood up. And instead of running away, instead of weeping, I stuck the sword down face up in the mud and I bowed to each side of you, each side of the cutting I had made, each moment of ecstasy and bereavement, and I sat down in the center and smiled.
This is the story of my death and rebirth. No less. My entire life written between these pages. Childhood, a quick death, and an awakening.
Something ……. "Be your own mother. Be your own mother."
